You're not for me, never.

I really do like you, and I'm not totally sure what it is but I do. You will never return that feeling, and no matter how hard I try I am always able to convince myself that there might be something in the way you look at me. I know I'm only getting my hopes up.

I suck so bad.

I hate the fact that I always assume a guy likes me when he does something nice.

Worth the wait.

I hope a guy never treats me like shit again. I'm tired of being stupid and played with. Just when I think a guy is seriously interested, the next day he acts like he isn't. It may mean nothing but if fucking hurts to not be taken seriously. But I know one day there will be a guy who will prove to me that he isn't like the rest. And I will wait. And it will be worth waiting for.

Wishing and hoping.

I wish you would hold me and tell me all of the things you like about me, even if I know they're lies. I just want to feel like someone cares about me. I feel so alone. *sad face*

I do stalk.

I never met him. But I fell in love with him. Today, I found out he was in love with someone -- I fell apart. And now I can't put myself back together anymore. I am broken into pieces, and he doesn't even know. I wanna lock myself in a drawer and rot in death. :((

I need a break.

I really really really really really really like you. You have no idea.

For once (?)

Once, just once, I want to make a guy's heart race with love and excitement for me.

How pathetic.

I love how my best friend says that she misses me "so fucking much" but she doesn't even make an attempt to contact me.

Silly me.

I'm terrified that no one will ever love me.

Lonely.

I hate being alone all the time. I wish I hadn't pushed everyone away. I just want one person that's not an asshole.

Move on and forget.

I told my ladies I don't care about you anymore.That's rubbish cause the fact is I care so much. I just say it so then maybe I can fool myself. Maybe then it won't hurt so much that your with her. Maybe then I can move on and forget. Maybe, just maybe.
I hope you're happy with your "F" girl. :')

Honestly.

I’m going to be honest. I’m not doing too well right now. I’m pissed and I’m hurt and I just want to feel like I’m home again. I’m miserable and that feeling you get just before you cry is constantly at the back of my throat. I don’t know what I need, but I’d like some help.

Dear Adila,

Don’t be sad anymore. As hard as life may be right now, I know you’ll pull through. You’re special and the universe is going to reward you soon for being so strong even though you may feel weak. If you need to talk, I’m here. Love you, cousin ♥

Best of luck.

I hope you have fun, and I know you will, until you realize she’s not me. She can never be me, no matter how hard you imagine. Its going to eat you up inside, I know. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but that's what happens when you let great things go. Good luck with everything you do because you’ll need it. Me? Oh, I’ll be fine. Why? Because I’ve finally got it all figured out.


Get free? I am free. I feel so alive! :)

Don't give up so easily.

Don’t run away. Don’t think everything will change in another place. Don’t make yourself so sick anymore. Stop trying to make everything okay. We go through these rough patches for a reason. Maybe this is a long one, but soon it will be over and the sun will shine brighter than it ever has. Just keep fighting and pushing for happiness. You don’t need a boy, you don’t need a thousand friends, you don’t need to be accepted. You just need to love yourself, which is easier than you may think. Just keep fighting, goddamnit.


Wow. I think I just wrote a letter to myself without even knowing.

A little personal.

I hate everything about you, every fiber of your being, every word you speak. Especially all the words you’ve ever said to me. I want to rid you from my life and forget your face. It's so easy until I hear a song that reminds me of you or see your face somewhere unexpected. I just wanted to grab you and kiss you today and then right after, kick you in the balls and leave for good. You’re not that great and I don’t need you at all, but I want you and that's the worst part. I can still feel your fingertips on my collar bones. That kills me.

Beat that.

I guess I forgot that you’re ugly, have no personality, try too hard to be someone you’re not, don’t know how to treat human beings and you’re just a scared little boy. I need stability -- something you’re unfamiliar with. Two fucks goes to you. They say karma is a bitch, well have they met me? Hahahaha LOL.

I guess.

When it comes down to it everyone has to be alone sometimes. Alone in a place, alone in a state of mind, alone in situation or even alone in caring about someone. But its not always a bad thing. Sometimes you just need to be alone, as scary as it sounds.

I am so tired of everything.

I have such a big heart and no one ever recognizes it. Yeahs, I am a bitch a lot of the time but its only because everyone treats me like dirt. I do so much shit for everyone and it always goes unnoticed because they’re just little things like being there when you’re sad or bringing you somewhere so you can fix a fight you had with another friend. The second I ask for someone to get me a glass of water or pick up something I dropped I get bitched at, my secrets are never kept and I feel like I’m getting screwed over all the time. Sometimes I just can’t believe the things you people say and do. It hurts. It does.

I wish.

You didn’t leave me. I wish I could have you for just a little while longer. There are so many things we didn’t get to talk about and go out and do. You never got to see me sing, which is what you wanted so badly and I’m sorry. There are just these days where I miss you so much its overwhelming because I try to be so strong every other day of the year. I don’t know how to do this without you, but I’m trying so hard. I look so hideous here, oh God I look hideous, but you look so happy. You were always so happy. I love you and miss you. Sorry for the depressing post, Blogspot. It just kind of needed to be said.

R.I.P. Adam Zainal. *hugs

That's the boy I knew.

The awkward, smiling high -- who didn’t have a care in the world. The boy with a big heart who would laugh just to laugh, play just to play, love just because and had direction. I miss that smile, that awkwardness, that innocence. I know he still exists and I know what’s left of that heart still hurts sometimes. Too bad you ruined your chance at normality. I could’ve helped you.
I cared. I’ll always care, but you can’t call me anymore.

:)

I might be right.

I might be wrong. Either way it's my life and I make decisions based on what I feel, not what anyone else want-- get over it and accept it. Life’s a roller-coaster and just way too damn short to be negative and hate all the time. I’m giving this one more chance. We’ll see what happens. who cares anyway? Shit happens and it's always for a reason.

Throughout my entire life.

I have juggled friends 24/7. Some are there for you most of the time, some are there sometimes, some are hardly ever there at all. Friends come and go, they do, but the one person I know will always be there for me is my mom. It sounds so corny, but I would be a lost cause without her. She’s the one who will always be there and thank God for that. One day I’ll take care of her the way she’s taken care of me. :) Thanks, mama.

I still cry everytime.

I read that message from you. Its been 3 years, but it still hurts.

Already gone.

I can’t believe you actually think there’s a chance things will ever be okay again. I hate you and apologizing for something you don’t actually regret is never going to change that. Yeahs, I hate you. Does it hurt yet? Because it should and if it doesn’t that only proves me correct that you are incredibly cold-hearted. Oh and your lack of intelligence when it comes to correct grammar is hilarious. End of discussion, boy. Full stop.

How could I have doubted myself (?)

How could I give up so easily? How could I have thought it was okay? How could I have been convinced I would never make it? How could I stand believing it was all over? I don’t care if my family, friends or enemies think I’m just dreaming big and unrealistically. Your opinions mean nothing. This is my life, this is what I adore and this is what I’m going to do. Fuck the rest. I found what I love and now I’m sort of running with it.

On the other side.

I’ve never felt so lonely or lost in my life. Maybe its the thought of growing up? Or being alone? Either way -- it’s terrible.

Opinion.

Some people that I know are slowly changing. Some people who I once thought were really great, really don’t seem so great to me anymore. Eh, that’s life.

Past.

There’s some people from my past I haven’t talked to in awhile and i really miss. I mean they were a part of my life at one time so they still are in my heart somewhere.

I miss Arwah Nenek, both side.

I miss my first two best friends.

I miss my first love.

I miss the guy I never gave a chance to.

I miss my younger self.

Romance.

It’s one thing all of my relationships have lacked. It kind of makes me feel weird too. I mean is it bad that maybe one day,
I want a boy to get me a bouquet of flowers -- I want it to be white roses? Or maybe be blind-folded and have a surprise dinner waiting for me (never happened) or any surprises ever.
I mean do men still do this? Do I just suck?

Shit happens.

I'm a bad friend. I'm a sucker for happy endings. Enough said.

Random things that made me cry.

* When he says he’s going to call, but doesn’t. And it hasn’t been the first time. It’s been too many times. You can’t even count anymore.
* When you get into a fight with your best friend. She used the wrong words, and you said too much. You can’t just take it back, because nothing is ever that easy.
* When he calls you an idiot, bitch, or a slut. Even though you know you are none of those things. The way he says it makes you believe him.
* When someone tells you aren’t just wrong, but you’ll never be right. You’re discouraged enough to give up everything because there is no use in trying.
* When they go out of their way to make it seem like you are the only one who has ever made a mistake. As if they are an angel sent from heaven, and you’re the scum of Earth.
* After you get in a fight with a complete stranger. You have no sense of control and you are at a loss of words.
* When anything that comes out of your mother’s mouth hurts ten times more than it would if any other person had said it.
* That one song then just gets to you. You have no reason why, but you are going to bawl every time it comes up.
* When someone catches you in the act. Fucking, stealing, lying, and even crying. You cry more when people catch you crying.
* Paper cuts. Anything that doesn’t matter but it seems like it hurts more than anything else. Such as, seeing your ex-boyfriend with your best friend.


I’m sure there’s more. I’m too tired.

Dirty little secret.

I’m the girl that claims to be way too independent to ever take anything or anyone too seriously. Falling for someone gets me every time. It’s like I’m wearing 7 inch heels and you all should be told that I have the legs of an elephant. I am stumbling and losing my head. Oh, the messes I make.

Sit on your roof.

It flickers once. It’s 3:42 am and you just realized that even though your family loves you, the only thing you need is someone to care for, some to love.

So you sit on your roof, watching the light. You might smoke a cigarette or two, but you don’t really need them. You watch the tree near the street light sway in the wind, scared of life.

You might have had a girl/boy in your life once, but it soured and went wrong. It might have been your fault, but odds are that it wasn’t. Odds are is that she/he dumped you, because being with you made her/him depressed. Then you realized that you just lost a great chance to change your life around.

So you sit outside on your roof.
You watch the street light across the street.
You might shed a tear or two, but this isn’t a physical sadness that can be purged.

This is a soul-crushing kind of sadness. And you are scared and alone, and all you want is someone to look at you and say:

“Everything will be okay. Come with me.”

Instead, you sit on your roof.
You watch the street light.
And you die inside.

I should come with a warning label.

Warning! I’m a shitty friend who takes everything to heart. When you treat me like shit I go home and cry because it makes me feel so worthless.

Dear Future Valentine.

(Hoping one day I have one) I don’t want roses or chocolate or dinner at a five-star restaurant, I want to dress up just to go to our favorite spot. We can dance and laugh and sing our favorite songs. I’d love a homemade card and I’ll make you a wonderful mix-cd and give you a kiss on the forehead and cheeks.

I'll be fine.

I could easily say that my world would crash and my heart would break beyond repair, if we don’t become something of an item. I love you and you probably don’t love me all that much, but I just want you to want me, to need me, even just for a little bit. I want to be your one. But you know what, if we don’t become an item of sorts, my world will not crash and my heart will not break. I’ve lived my whole life without you anyway. I am fine at the moment without you, so why should you liking another girl make any difference? I will be fine no matter what happens, of course. What I’m really trying to say is, I love you a lot, but at the moment you disappoint me often, when I expect things from you and you fail to meet the standards and you are completely unreliable. Despite this, I still manage to go weak at the knees and my brain turns to static when you’re around. I just want you. That’s it. You don’t have to be one of those romantic boyfriends who buy silver jewelery and a dozen white roses. All I want from you is for you to open up to me. To allow me to be close to you. I want us to share everything, to be each others soul mates. That’s all.

I will be fine without you, but I would really rather be amazing with you. We could be amazing.

I thought I would never get over you.

I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized that I hadn’t thought about you in awhile. It used to hurt so badly when I thought about you, but now I don’t feel anything. I realized that, surprisingly, I’m so much happier without you. I know it sounds dumb, but thank you. Thank you for hurting me, for breaking me, for leaving me. You helped me realize how strong I am and how I don’t need you to make me who I am.

Waiting.

You said you needed time to see if you could find it in yourself to work on our problems together. Well dude, we’ve been broken up for about 2 years and 5 months -- now I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this indeed has been a long time. I hope you don’t expect me to still be waiting on you or even to still be holding on to thoughts of maybe someday in the future being with you again because honestly, I might still care about you but I could not forget all this waiting bullshit you put me through. Of course I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done to you as well but that doesn’t necessarily mean you had to get even, I thought it was all about being the bigger man in certain situations. I guess not. It was fun while it lasted, I suppose you can say it was both our fault. The only difference with that is, I’m willing to admit it and you my friend, you cannot.

Searching.

The name is Lepp. :) Cho kiut kans?

It sucks that I couldn't find any bowl to place my fishies. How sad. Awbhuhuhu. >:( Tryna search every place and spot in my house, but still, I failed. I know, I suck so bad. At times I do. I'm tired. I gave up. I need some rest. So, I place them inside my room. I almost cried. No joke. I am sensitive like that. Sheesh. I went online, and upload pictures of my fishies. Heheh. :3 Dian, Razin and I -- we planned to go lepak, as usual. They come and fetch me somewhere around 10+, if I'm not mistaken. I feel so guilty. Leave my fishies like that. But, alhamdulillah, Abah gave me such a brilliant idea -- he asked me to go check out Cik Deko's place. So yeahs, I did. Heheh YAYS, finally. I saw this cute little tank in pink. Sadly, there's no purple. But it's okay. Heheh. I bought the fish tank, and it cost only RM5, so cheap kans?

Alhamdulillah. :)

So happy together.

My favorite picture, nice shot. :3

No, I am not trying to promote my desktop. Hahah.

Swimming happily.

I know, the food is like everywhere.
Don't blame me. >:( Boo!

Hmm, tryna fight?


My fishies in a pink tank. :')

Welcome to my life.

Betta Fish. :3

Baby Guppy.

Lefty: Lepp.
Righty: Freida and Fermin.

Flake food and anti-chlorine.

Fish net.

The accessories.

All together -- Tadaaaaa. :)

I know I know, you people are like so jealous right now for seeing this post of mine, kans? Hahah LOL. I just bought fishies. 3 of 'em to be exact. I love fishies -- they're so cute and I feel like fry 'em all and eat and eat and eat and eat again. Yum yum. :3 I kenots wait to breed 'em all, Imma gonna be a mummy, sexayyh mummy to be exact. :p

You said you didn't like him.

You said he is snobbish and arrogant. You said you have no connection with him. You said you would never bother to be with him. You said you didn’t care about him. You said all these things that made me so sure you wouldn’t be anywhere near him.

And now I find out you made out with him on a date?

Trust issues.

I trusted you more than I should have let myself. A part of me still does. You were everything I needed and everything I needed to stay away from. You were perfect through your own imperfections. I saw a side of you that most people couldn’t. You say you didn’t, but I think you meant to show it to me. You felt something, the same thing that I did. Though you’d never admit it. I loved you in a strange and unconventional way. Everyone told me no, that I was dumb, wrong, just looking for heartbreak. But I continued on. Maybe not all the time, we’d take breaks and things would go back to normal, or so it seemed. But then every time we were together again I’d feel it. It was a caged bird -- so beautiful but with wings that had nowhere to fly. No space to grow. That was us. We both knew it would not go anywhere, though my hopes were always high. It was something that you just didn’t seem to want at the time. I wanted you to want it more than anything in this world. It could have been a gorgeous thing, what we would have had. I guess it’s now just memories for me. Fond ones that I look back on and see how much I learned and grew. Is it the same for you?

Letter of reasons.

Him: I don't remember what I did to you.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: All I know is, you are done, finish and gone.

I don't know, I guess I was so sick of everything and I know I said “I can’t do this anymore” but now that I’ve put the past behind. I think it’s okay, I think I can handle us being friends again. But it still kinda shock me how you pretended like I never mattered to you, because that’s so not true. But then we both agreed friends is okay, but I know for a fact that things will never be like how it used to.

You said “I still love you”. I’m sure you do, or did, or whatever. But even now we’re friends, it’s not the same. Before when we talk, I actually felt connected or something, but now it’s nothing. I still want to know what’s going on in your life. But when we talk, I don’t get the same feeling anymore. I don't get you. I don't get me. I just don't know.

I want this to be over.

I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know why I still want you, or why I bother crying over you. You’re as useless as the words you say.

A friend.

I just want a friend. Not someone to kiss, or cuddle, or hold me. I want someone to talk to. Someone to have multiple sleepovers in a row with. I need a best friend again.

Ever feel like running (?)

Running far away from everything and everyone you know. Running away from problems, bills, cars, school, college, money and etc, not turning around for anything? Just running. I feel like that 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I just want to run and I don’t want to stop running until I meet the end and finally become one again then I will slowly walk back to reality.

Not fair.

It doesn’t bother me that you aren’t with me. What does bother me is, eventually you’ll be with someone who isn’t me.

In my dreams.

You and I both know that in a few more months when you realize finding someone isn’t as easy as you thought it would be, you will be knocking on my door trying to explain and apologize for your stupidity. When you do, I plan on turning you down while laughing in your face and making you feel rotten for having me wait so long for you to come around. Most likely this won’t happen and I’ll accept almost immediately, resulting in you having the upper hand AGAIN and me feeling like a complete idiot.

You have no rights.

You judge me and put me down. I took your words as false-absolute-truths. I wanted nothing more than to be there for you, not necessarily be your rescue but be a comforting space for you to have. I understand I’m not perfect. I understand that I’m stubborn and immature with my actions and words. I also understand that I have a lot to give as a person, as a companion, as an addition in your life. I’m going to try one more time. If you refuse, then I guess that’s it. I’ll be sitting here and figuring out. I want to keep telling myself “It’s his lost. It’s his lost”. But then I realize, this relationship was not about losing or winning. It was about being each other’s companion.

My heart just wanders.

I find myself falling faster and faster every time I look into your brown eyes. But I’m scared. However, I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the way I tend to handle these emotions. This is the main reason I close myself off from those feelings. To give off the impression that I am stronger, that I am wiser, that I am better than that. But I am not.

I love the way you think, the way you smell, the way you look at me, touch me, hold me. Hold me for awhile -- I feel safe. I am weak for you, but you make me feel strong. Sometimes I forget that we are on the same level. I am learning just as much as you are learning. This mutual respect is what gets me every time. I am happy with you and that’s all that should matter right now. No future, no past -- just the present.

Because I care.

I loved you at your lowest point. When you came to me in tears and absolutely broken. And I just wanted to put the pieces back together. But I didn’t realize that I’d be left picking up the pieces of my heart, too. No, I had no idea. :(

Thank you, Romeo and Juliet.

I want to be one of those girls who don’t give much importance to having a love life. I want to feel okay with being alone. As much as I honestly enjoy my independence and the ability it gives me to choose my life course and know my true self and strengths as well as weaknesses. There are those irritating moments where my heart begins to worry. It brings this ridiculous fear, I should not be having at the age of 20. What has gotten me so rushed to not end up alone? To fear that who I date now could potentially be my future man and raise even more neurotic questions like can he deal with me? Will he leave me halfway through? Will we be bored of each other 15 years from now?

My cousin doesn't seem so bothered by such things. I envy that. The ability for her to never even have bothered with “boy hunting”. She never seems to even have a phase of “loneliness” while being single. And when she does have a boyfriend, she's not the slightest bit swept off her feet or googly-eyed by it. What is it that's got some woman so wrapped up in placing love as a priority? And why hasn’t this disease reached every girl?


Not fair.

My heart is crying.

My hands are shaking,
My eyes are watering,
My lips are trembling,

Why why, oh why....

Why don’t you care anymore?

I write a poem about him, everyday.

yet, I can never get the courage to finish them. i leave them without endings. hoping we will be without one too. :')

Taking risks with pessimist.

I’m kind of excited for life to start all over again, so I can stop sitting around and writing about it, and start feeling it instead. For now, I feel like I am in a fishbowl. Everyone’s looking, but nobody’s talking.

I miss the old versions of you and me. You’re only as good as the company you keep, and when I’m all alone, I’m only as good as myself. It just doesn’t matter to me as long as you’re around, I guess. We're drifting apart and fading away, but I keep on tracing over memories to keep them fresh. We’re still here, all of us. Just in different locations.

Or maybe not. I’m not so sure anymore. I love you, and I miss you. But I get the feeling that you just wouldn’t get it. You just wouldn’t get me.

I’m still not done putting ”x”s in the boxes next to “mood swings” and “inconsistencies.” I’m always calling it quits, my hands are always shaking. I’m alright, alright, alright, but I’m waiting for everyone to fall asleep so me and the tick of the clock and the beat of my heart can be alone. When the large portion of the world is awake, I feel like there are too many complications to the wires connecting my heart and my brain.

I know this isn’t making a lot of sense, but sometimes feelings don’t read like instruction booklets. I’m not faking these smiles, they come naturally, but they have to share a bed with all the troubles my feeble head has worked up. “Sleeping With The Enemy,” or so it would seem.

Who is perfect (?)

Sometimes, I look at people and I doubt that they have never made a mistake in their lives. Well, not a serious one, at least. But then, when I look at myself in the mirror and think the same, it isn’t true. Don't mind me, I'm so lame.

I won't let them.

Despite the fact that you broke my heart and could care less.

But, I won’t let anyone say anything bad about you and I still vouch that you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever meet. Just so you know, I still back you up.

Letter to him.

I thought this would be easy. Writing a letter to you, anonymously. Thing is, it really isn’t. I feel like I’ve worn out all the things I can say about you. I know it’s been quite a while since we’ve been together, but I still miss how everything was. I miss the way your lips felt on mine. I miss your touch, every time you pulled me into your arms. Most of all, I miss you. I wish you stayed true to me. Our two years, 5 months anniversary would’ve been coming up in a month.

-From her.

Answer me.

Is it bad of me if I think at times you might like someone else but me. Answer me, please?

If only.

You would look at me at the same way you look at her.

I'm okay, really.

I’m slowly cutting myself off from every person in my life. And I’m okay with that.

Mark my words.

You told me I should just accept that you’re in my life and I’m gonna be in yours regardless of how much we say we’re ‘broken up’ and we don’t belong to each other anymore. Well I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong. No, I don’t have to just accept it and I won’t. Yes, I have broken down a few times and called or messaged you to tell you I missed you but this does not necessarily mean it will always be this way, and you can quote me on that.

Fact

No matter who you become, who you move on to, where you live, who you befriend, what you do, what you say -- please remember, I will always be here for you.

Questioning myself.

I wonder what you’re going to think to yourself when you notice I’ve learned to live without you. I take it the tables will turn. And who knows, maybe it might hurt you, the way you hurt me.

My heart.

My heart aches because I’m no longer with you. But I hope this pain never goes away because it makes me feel alive again.

I'm waiting for you to apologize.

We never should have met. Then you could still be just as happy, actually happier. You’d be happier because you could go on raving about her and how awesome she is and you wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me, because I wouldn’t even exist. Kinda like how it already is, except I wouldn’t feel like crap.

I'll wait.

I would’ve stood by you during your every ache. I wanted to wait until you’d reach out to me again. Instead, you pushed me away because I was your ache and for that you felt you couldn’t reach out to me ever again.

I’d still stand by you and I’ll still wait.

I'm not supposed to.

How can I possibly feel this way? I was doing so fine. So so fine. I was happy, I moved on, I knew I was completely over you. You stopped flirting, I stopped caring. I forgave you for the past. We started talking again. A lot more than we ever used to. I was able to carry on a conversation with you. I became your friend again. I knew it was better this way. I got to know you more. The real you. Not the person hidden behind all those pretty words you used to give me. I talked to you about my new crush, you talked to me about yours. You started showing your true personality. I stopped liking him. I started liking you again. I had a feeling you started liking me again too. I wasn’t right. You didn’t stop liking her, not for one minute. I listened to all your stories about her. I realized you really like this girl. She started ignoring you. You became really sad. As bad as it made me feel, I still helped you through it. I gave you advice. You thanked me. I wanted to be more than friends again. I still want to be more than friends again. I never told you, I never will. I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’ll stop. Eventually.

Maybe, just maybe.

I want to if you’re seeing someone new. I want to know if you’ve fallen in love. I want to know if in fact you have forgotten me. I want to hate you for all these things.

So maybe, just maybe, I can move on.

Sad case.

It sucks when all you want to do is hold them but can’t because they don’t want to hold you. Wow, that's a sad case. Really.

I will turn.

hate into love. How silly of me to let things get to me so much that I actually begin to hate what I feel like I can’t control. I will embrace it by prayer. My dear friend Atiqah made me realize this. Thank you! Sometimes admitting something you hope not very people will ever find out, turns out to be the most unexpected blessing.

One thing.

There's this one thing, you should know.

It isn’t that you hurt me. Really. I don’t feel hurt, I don’t feel angry, I don't feel annoyed. I have conditioned myself to despise you -- no one has ever caused such sadness in me. But now it’s all gone. You are gone. It is all over.

Why is it so hard (?)

I’m tired of people trying to make me feel bad about who I am or what I’ve chosen or how I feel. I can’t help who I am and what I desire, you have to just accept it and like it or move on. I’m not going to change or pretend to be something to make someone happy again, I’ve done that for too long already. I am myself. I feel like I do for a reason. I would much rather tell someone the truth about my feelings than act like something I’m not. I’ve tried that too many times, with two different people. If I’m not being honest how could someone ever expect a relationship to work? I am who I am for a reason. I’m not here to change to make someone happy or more at ease. It’s not being selfish. It’s standing up for the person I am and that letting someone walk all over you because of that is wrong. Life is too short for all these. Let me be me and I’ll let you be you.

I don't get it.

Why do we all strive for everything we can’t have? Why do girls want the guy that doesn’t give a shit about them? Why do we feel like we’re worthless unless we can impress everyone in the room we’re in? Why do we have to have the newest thing, as soon as we see someone we have labeled as “cool” have it? Why do we care so much? We care so little about our actual selves, and too much about everyone else. Who gives a shit what someone thinks about you? Be your own person, not what will impress or make someone happy. Acting like a slut isn’t going to make him love you. Really, no joke. Buying that new thing isn’t going to give you that acceptance you crave. Accept yourself for God sakes. Love who you are, not what everyone wants you to be. Appreciate what you have and are given, not complain and want something better. Be happy that you are living and breathing. Don’t unbutton your blouse, don’t chase after something that doesn’t want to be caught, don’t feel like shit because someone has more material things than you, don’t hate yourself because everyone is paying attention to another girl -- it's immature. Grow up, people.

My dream.

I still feel like I’m tangled up with you. I had a dream about you and it told me a lot. I walked out. I finally just left you in the cold. I had no reason to be talking to you and I realized you weren’t worth my time anymore. I’m glad I dreamed that, but if I feel this confident about these things why do I still go through times when I feel like I can’t breathe because of you? Like you’re still there, somewhere, keeping me from what I need. I hate it. I don’t understand it. I want away from this confused feeling of nothing. I want to be able to just walk away from it like I was able to walk away from you in my dream.

Just stop.

Don’t tell me my decisions are a mistake. Don’t underestimate me and try to make me second guess myself. Don’t act like you’re more mature than me. Don’t build yourself up to make me feel small. Don’t try to take control of me. Don’t try to change my mind. Don’t try to intimidate me. Don’t try to hold onto something that never was. Don’t try to make me look bad. Don’t belittle my thoughts and feelings. Don’t tell me I’ll regret this. Don’t ever try to dismiss my final decisions. It won’t work, it never will, so stop.

Move on.

It’s time for you to stop bothering me, stop trying to get a rise out of me, stop trying to get my attention, stop everything you are doing. Move on with your life like I have. Things will never go back to how they were and we will never be friends. I will not respond to you. I will not talk to you if I see you around. I will not be anything to you but a stranger passing by. No joke.

Pen and paper.

You make me not want to write another poem. Because somehow, when I’m trying to erase you from my thoughts, you appear beneath my pen and on my paper. I can’t handle it.

I don't regret this.

I don’t regret any of it. I look back and ask myself if I’d be satisfied if I could take it all back. All the pain, struggle, humiliation, foolishness, but I still wouldn’t be satisfied. So I wouldn’t take it back. Try to understand me when I say I’m not looking for something to live for. I’m more content than most people in the world. Not because I’m satisfied, but because I accept the-not-so-pretty aspects of my life. I know that anything that happens, is meant to happen. Anything that happens, is good. And all the pain, was unavoidable. So no, my dear, I don’t regret this. But no, my dear, I don’t miss you either.

These are the words I haven’t been able to write.

Looking back.

Yes, I'm looking back at the girl I was a year ago, there are so many things I wish I could’ve told her. She needed to know that she was worth more than he made her out to be. She wasn’t getting half of what she giving to someone and she was trying way too hard to make him happy. I would’ve told her to never let someone change you, regardless of how much they claim to love and care about you. I would’ve said to be confident in who you are, you are beautiful inside and out. You were never the bad person causing the problems or fights, ever. You were never a bad person at all. I wish I could’ve told her to notice the sad look on your best friends face when you talked to her, how she could easily see your hurting heart and how unhappy you were. She knew he was hurting you more than you did. I would tell her that people are going to stab you in the back and do things just to cause problems in your life and that they aren’t worth your tears or hate. But most of all, I would tell her to run. Run as fast and far away as possible because in order to be happy you need to be free.

Hate is a strong word.

I hate you. There is no other word for it. I’ve never hated someone before, but you get to change that. You make me sick. I hope you feel a pit in your stomach every time you think of me, one that won’t go away for what seems like days. I want you to regret everything. Every single insignificant thing. But the thing that bothers me the most is that I know you probably don’t feel as much as I do. You don’t feel used and fooled. You don’t feel like you lost the best part of yourself. You don’t feel any of that and you know why? Because I never did those things to you. You caused all this and look who has to deal with it, I do. You’re not even worth my hate. You aren’t worth receiving any type of emotion from me. You aren’t worth anything at all to me.

I'm tired.

I'm so angry and frustrated, it’s terrible.

I keep thinking of who to talk to, but I don't like ruining peoples days with my depressing shit of which is all I know what to talk about anymore. It’s what my days are filled with now, and its all I hear. Things that depress me even more.

I'm trying to meet new people that might be able to make my days better. I'm tired of having days where all I think about is the things that depress me.

I miss my ex boyfriend. I love him because he was there for me when we were together, but really, I don't know if he was. It’s complicated, and I don't really know what to do anymore. The best thing in the world right now would be to have a male as a close friend that doesn't want anything from me. Gay or not, I don't mind. I just know that sometimes males understand more than females. However, I can't really complain on the female friend department -- I have one good female friend. She's been there for me so far, but I also thought I had a best friend that was always there for me, though throughout time, she has proven me otherwise.

I just really want someone I can be real with, and wouldn’t mind spending a lot of time with me. (I'm not pointing fingers at anyone here) but I really just want someone who gets me and I can be really all of myself with. I'm tired of holding back parts of me and my personality.

This doesn't happen.

So why does it happen to me?

I’m really sick of feeling like I do, and I don’t think that I could live without it. and I hate myself for it. I miss being comfortable.

Why do people stress out so much nowadays over such small shit?

Why is it that the people who know that they pissed you off always ask if they pissed you off? Obviously, you pissed me off.

Why is it that I can never rant when I’m happy, but yet when I’m mad, or depressed, I can go on for hours about shit?

When was it ever okay to be that fake? Why do people act like they’re always something different from everyone else. No matter if it’s less than or more than, it’s always something different. I wish that people could just realize that we are all god damn humans. So get your face out of your asshole.

I’m tired of people not being real with me, and I do know that in the past, I was the worst case of this, but heys, it’s called growing up.

I really wish that the people around me would have a little more faith in me, it really does put you down terribly when you hear some of the shit that I do.

I wish that people could be real, and at the beginning of every conversation, they would tell you what they expect from you at the end of everything that they say.

I wish that I had a lifetime supply of chrysanthemum tea and ice-cream.

I wish I didn’t fuck up.

Get it right.

Do not call me “babe”, “sweetheart”, “baby”, “honey”, “doll”, “muffin” or anything of the sort. I have a name.

Use it.

Down to earth.

I like for people to be extremely humble/modest. I don’t want you to know you’re good looking. I also don’t want you to know that you’re smart/funny/any other positive adjective. It sounds as if I only “like” people with no self-esteem. That’s really not the case. You’re allowed to know you’re good looking, just don’t let me know that you know you’re good looking.


I hope this makes a lot of sense.

Things changed.

I want you to feel the way you felt about me months ago.

I don’t understand why it had to change.

You should deal with it.

I hang up on people. A lot. I don’t really consider it to be rude,
I think you would really prefer that than what I actually have to say to you.

It's not a war, no.

If I ask you, “How are you?” and you respond with this long explanation as to how you’ve been, who you’ve been with, where you’ve been, and all that lovely stuff, I expect the next thing you say to be, “and how are you?”. If this isn’t the next thing you say, we’ve got some issues to work out. I don’t even mind if you don’t really care. I’ll even do you a favor and lie. I’ll make it short. Sweet. Simple. Straight to the point -- I’ll keep it under three words. Just ask, for crying out loud!

The status.

I sometimes feel like “liking” a post on Facebook is something only an insane person would do. Once I click that thumbs up button, I’ve signed myself up for lotsa notifications! And although I can click “unlike,” I’m beginning to take this “liking” business very seriously. If a status happens to be about a tattoo or a Jason Mraz concert, I think twice before clicking “like”. Really, no kidding.

I'm over it.

Can we just skip this dating stuff? Because I think I am completely “over it”. I’m tired of the ditching, the bad conversation, the awkward goodnights, and everything else that goes along with it. I’m only eighteen and I’m tired of it. It’s just not my cup of tea. I want to go straight to the in-love-deal. I’m sure these thoughts seem typical of someone my age, so juvenile, so uneducated, so quick to be bitter or cynical. I’m defending my opinion again. I shouldn’t have to do that. I won’t do that. Not anymore.

I need to start a serious workout get up/plan/deal. Something to keep me going, motivated, something that will keep me looking forward to another thing. I don’t know what I’m trying to articulate here and I apologize for that.

Love is a riddle.

Who wants the perfect guy? Not me. I don’t want anyone perfect. I don’t want anyone normal, that's just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who let things slide and who loves to laugh and makes me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isn't a pushover. I want someone who pisses me off, but I can never be mad at. But perfect? That’s one thing I never want. Maybe just perfect for me.

Toodles.

If you don’t think this is going to work, if you don’t believe this is going to work, we are both wasting our time. It’s not that complex. You either believe or you don’t. All the want in the world isn’t going to make this happen. You can keep your mix tapes. You can keep your pretty words. You can keep your “I like you” statements. You can keep it all. I can’t wait on someone who doesn’t genuinely believe that this has a happy ending. I can’t.

I won’t.

Run.

I wish I could sit here and write about how in love I am or how happy he makes or how we’re taking it slow and letting things fall into place, but I’d be lying. I’m running away from love for about the 1000th time in my life. Having no patience and being deathly afraid to trust anyone is not the formula for a healthy relationship. Its probably a curse. I have so much love to give, but I’ve never let anyone stick around long enough to give it away. In this world where loyalty is more scarce than oil, it's hard for me to believe that there’s anyone out there who can make me feel secure. Someone who can make me motivate me, love me, and cherish all that I have to offer. I suffer from the worst inferiority complex known to man and I don’t see any relief in sight. I think there’s better for any person who deals with me on a romantic level. My mind works against me sometimes, or maybe its the conditioning that has been imposed upon me since birth. I try not to believe everything I think, but when you don’t trust anyone your mind is all you have. Something has got to give though.

Older girls.

I remember looking up to a few older girls when I was much younger. They seemed so caring and so thoughtful. I remember thinking I couldn’t wait until I was older, when I had that kind of independence, when I could care for other people like that. Even if it wasn’t all the time, I still wanted to be that one person who could provide some kind of comfort to people. I had a friend once who gave this to me. There was never a time I felt awkward or uncomfortable. I felt as if I was home with her. I could cry and she wouldn’t care.

Sticks and stones.

Sticks and stones might break your bones, but words will make you want to die on the inside. I’m talking about the kind of words that leave your jaw slack because you’re just that shocked that someone would say something so horrible to you. I’m talking about the kind of words that burn and boil and fester in the back of your head like a mother fucking tumor when they crawl inside of your ear. I’m talking about the kind of words that find the stitches that you worked so hard to keep clean and rip open the sutures. I’m talking about the kind of words that slip out of my mouth when I’m not looking, like inmates staging a daring prison break. I’m talking the kind of words that you only say when you never want to see someone again. The kind of words that you regret as soon as the leave you lips, but it’s too late. The kind of sinister syllables that aren’t merely lines on a paper or sounds in your throat, but monsters in your head that usually only come out when you’re alone. But you can’t hold them back right now, can you?

Actual post.

I’m noticing that having your own personal blog is quite helpful when you’re one of those people who insists on going on and on and on about their days. I have this craving to just tell someone, or something all about my day. I want to give all the little details, from what I had for lunch to what I don’t understand about math. It’s definitely difficult finding someone who doesn’t mind listening to you go on forever and ten hours about your day. Sometimes I feel as if I just keep repeating myself, every single post is the exact same. I talk about the exact same people, the exact same situations. It gets boring after a while, even for myself. Donchu think so, hmm?

Roadblock.

I’m not sure there’s anything that could possibly heal this situation right now. I’ve devised little plans inside of my head. I need a way to forget about you. Clearly, you have moved on. It’s impossible that something would not remind me of you. Everything screams your name, even if it shouldn’t. It does. I should not feel this way. This isn’t mutual.

This is a lot more difficult than I expected it to be. I am stuck. You are standing in the road. I need you to move. I have to be on my way.

Take a deep breath. Let it go. I’m letting you go.

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

Just one day.

I need a day for me. Or maybe I don’t need one, maybe I just want one. I want to lay in bed all day. I want to listen to music. I want Secondhand Serenade and Akon playing all day long. I want to read a book, and not a book that I purchased at the Kinokuniya. A book for me. I have about seven books that I have yet to read. I want to read them all. I want to relax. I want to be able to put together the pieces that seem to have fallen out of place these past couple of months. I want to pick myself up again. I want to find something or someone that takes the place of the comfort that’s no longer here, the comfort you gave me. This is a lot harder than I thought.

Tilt your screen back.

Myself.

I feel like a lot of people don’t “get” me. That’s fine. I’m irrational, hyper, I say weird things, I’m flirtatious, I like music, I’m a dancer, an over-thinker, but I’m extremely positive, I’m always looking on the bright side, I’m open to anything, I’ll go somewhere not knowing what to expect, I’m fun. I think a lot of people feel that way about themselves, that people don’t understand, that no one gets it. I kind of also feel like I’m never going to have that perfect relationship that everyone kind of strives for. I’m okay being imperfect, I like it actually. I prefer it. But lately I do want to experience a new relationship. I’m always so anti-anything that requires an emotions that are not perfect. I hate fighting, I hate drama. I’m glad our drama is finally put to rest. I want to meet someone that knows absolutely nothing about me. I want to go on dates, actual dates. I want to try a new restaurant or eat breakfast together. I want the simple things. That’s all I want --simplicity.

Stinky loserghh boi.

Don't have much to say about him cause I've known him less than a week. No kiddings. Yeahs, but now we're quite close.
Oh yeahs, MSN with him last night was the bomb, I tell you. Really. Make silly emoticon faces like ---> :3 this (HEHE Aiman cakap macam bum bum, LOL), talk crap like nobody's business, talking like bimbo blondes and rempits. Honestly, he's nice and fun to be with. Oh and yeahs, we have nothing in common, really. For example, he hates laksa -- Awbhuhu. >:( And he dislike peanut butter. Now, that's a sad case. Hahah. ROFL.

We talk, we laugh, we mock and we exchange opinions and interests. He gave me advice last night -- And now, I start to think back of how naive I've been. He opened up my eyes and
I do owe him. Thankiuu loserghh. :3

Dude, I've known you less than a week but when it comes to chatting with you, it's like I've known you for years. I can even tell you anything when I have problems bothering me.

I've learned thus far.

It is getting to know someone BEFORE you think you like them. I had to learn that the hard way -- but really, I've always had a fascination with total morons because I never took the time to get to KNOW them.

Fact.

Girls like to talk about feelings without really finding a solution.
Guys talk about solutions. Leave out the feelings.

And this is why we’ll never really understand each other.

This song says it all.

I need to stop linger on.

And it's time to let go -- for reals yows.

I've come to realized that -- Sometimes you just need someone to come slap the shit outta you, really. And tell you to buck the fuck up. This isn't the end of the world. You still have legs. And arms. And friends.

Just this once.

I want someone to miss me.

I'm such a girl.

Checking my phone every few minutes.

Perfection.

James Franco ♥

This someone.

I have managed to make myself look like a complete idiot more times in the last month than I have in my entire life. I can always bounce back, but, for once I want someone who doesn’t send mixed signals, doesn’t have a back up plan or a way out. I want someone who will want me for exactly who I am, this semi-odd girl who wishes on every star, at 11:11, and on every damn eyelash to fall in love, but doesn’t seem to be good enough. I want someone to love my flaws as much as my beauties. You’re out there somewhere, and just know -- I’m thinking about you, wishing for you, waiting just for you.

Heath Ledger.

Though I’ve probably seen this movie more than anyone else, his voice never fails to make me melt every single time.

Bad habit.

I cannot please everybody, this is something I must come to terms with. I can try and try and try again to accept that, however, the word ‘disappointment’ will continue to ring in my ear. Putting other’s requests above my own is a habit I must break. Second chances turn into thirds and slowly become fourths, I can’t continue this because in the end the only one I am disappointing is myself.

Rest in Peace.

I need to go change my underwear.

You owe me.

I told you to be patient,
I told you to be fine,
I told you to be balanced,
I told you to be kind.
In the morning I’ll be with you,
But it will be a different “kind”,
I’ll be holding all the tickets ,
And you’ll be owning all the fine.

Am I not good enough (?)

I don’t know how or why or where I went wrong but you do. I’ve always thought if things didn’t work out it was because we weren’t meant to be, but when it comes to you worthiness becomes a factor in the equation. All those small insecurities surface, ones that I didn’t even know existed. I hate it but I don’t think I could ever bring myself to hate you.

I will, I won't, I could, I can't.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, wishing.
If only you could realize the truth of my missing.
Hours without you feel like days.
The second hand slows when you’re away.
If only I could reverse time to when we first met.
You are the one thing I wish I could regret.

I really enjoy.

getting involved in status conversations on Facebook but in an awkward way. For example two of my friends have a ‘thing’ and were commenting on each other statuses but I decided to get involved. I only do this with people who know me well enough, because other wise a bright light would be shown on my creepy side and we wouldn’t want that. Now would we?

To be honest.

I shouldn’t have been honest and I wish you weren’t straight-forward. We sit in your car and the silences between songs were never awkward before. Do you notice that now? Do you see that everything you do gives me chills? No, you’re too distracted by her. “Thin limbed, gorgeous brown eyes,” -- yeahs, I hope you go straight to hell.

Why (?)

Why are you the only person I can write about?
Why is with you the only place I want to be?
Why can’t I see myself with anyone else?

Grow up please.

I think it's really really sad that there are people in the world who feel the need to put others down.

If you don't like someone or what they're doing or who they are, walk the other direction -- as simple as that mates.

Imma loner.

Its the kind of night you just want to cuddle up on the couch with a blanket, a glass of juice, and a boyfriend.

Never, ever give up.

Daydreams.

I met the man who is living my dream. The past few months I have been convincing myself that it could not or would not happen and that I need to find a new path. But now I know it can happen, now I know there are ways to get there. I can’t I can’t I can’t stop smiling, this is too incredible for words!

I just don't know.

I keep coming back to you. I keep talking about you.
I constantly think about the impact you had on my life.

I want to know more about you.

What’s your favorite color? What is your family like? What is your favorite thing to watch on TV? Who was your first crush? What do you want to be when you grow up? Where is your family from? What is your favorite time of day? What is your favorite time of year? What is your favorite children’s book? Where/when do you feel most at home? What is your favorite dessert? What is the greatest decision you’ve ever made? Where did you get your favorite T-shirt? What is your biggest fear? What is your favorite movie? Least favorite? Religion? Do you think this is our time now or is there something beyond this life? What were you like as a kid? Where would you like to travel? Where have you traveled? Who was your first best friend?


They could be things that barely brush the surface or things that you can barely talk about, I just want to know.

Eyes water.

All the memories -- keep me on the verge of tears.

I promise.

There’s going to be at least one time in your life when you feel out of place, but chances are it will be more than just one. You’ll follow through with your daily routines, and one day you’ll just realize it -- that you’re not entirely happy with what you’re doing. And after finalizing that fact, you can’t seem to shake it. So you live your days in routine, trying your best to erase your thoughts from your mind but it’s not that simple -- because if you just ignore the things your heart and mind are telling you, you’ll never get to where you need to be. You’ll have to take a huge risk at some point, a huge step in your life. And no matter what that may be, just make sure to follow your heart, but don’t ignore your head. Do what feels right at that very moment because chances are you’ll regret what you don’t do rather than what you do follow through with. If that risk still doesn’t feel right, try something else. Experience something new. Do what feels right. Always, always, always follow your heart. And most importantly, never ever give up. You’ll get to where you need to be one day. I promise.

How ironic this thing called love.

Second chance.

Second chances. Girls take more of them than guys do. Why? I blame Disney, building up these false hopes, making me believe I can have my Prince Charming. We believe that one day we’re going to be saved, that one day, one boy is going to come and change our whole lives around in the most perfect way. In the movies there’s no ‘other woman’, there’s no deception. There’s just a happy ending, conditions & circumstances don’t apply. So what are we to do when our hearts get broken? The logical thing to do is move on, oh yeahs of course, but despite all the lying, the cheating, the crushed dreams and the painful memories -- there’s a speck of hope. A tiny little piece of our hearts that’s begging for the fairy tale and screaming that we let him try again. So we do. We cry and bite our tongues, hoping that this liar in aluminum foil will finally become our knight in "Shining Armour" -- hoping that this time he’ll be able to make us feel safe and actually do it. That’s why we break so easily because our fairy tale dreams are placed on real life boys. Boys who need to be saved themselves.

Lovely.

This picture only reminds me of how much I love to be in love.

Tame me.

Well not only do we worry too much, but we always want to be wanted -- we want someone to know our favorite places to be kissed, we want someone to hold us when we fall down crying, we want someone to know our deepest thoughts and to understand them perfectly as if the idea had suddenly appeared in their head as well. We want to look someone straight in the eye and have it be comfortable. We want to touch their back, their neck, their eyelashes, their lips -- yes we want to touch all of these things to somehow reach deeper into who they are. You want to dig so deep that you find something real, hopefully. I’m afraid that I cannot be real enough for what I want or that somebody I want cannot be real enough with me. How do I become raw, the way I want to be raw? I want to open every single wound and let it bleed all over the place. I’m sick of feeling numb half of the day. I loved being able to cry in front of him, but I don’t have that anymore. Who am I to go to when my world falls apart all over again because I know that it’s going to happen soon enough. I want to be in love, but more importantly I want someone to be just as in love with me -- every single inch of who I am and what I think should be everything they admire most. I do not think I am deserving of something so amazing just yet. I need to figure things out in my head, but while I am doing this I am searching for someone to hold onto. My body is always on the move and always searching, but my heart is screaming to be tamed by someone that can handle it.

Let me tell you something.

The next time you take something and dwell on it, just remember that it’s not really worth worrying about. The people you form relationships with will hurt you, regardless of all the promises they make not to. They are going to make you cry and feel pains in your chest and second-guess everything. Human relationships are certainly odd, but addictive. Just remember this thought please, do not dwell on the fact that someone did not fall in love with you or the fact that you hurt someone in your past because guess what -- you’re gonna die. They are going to die as well. We’re all going to die so why should we dwell on all of the bad things that happen to us? We shouldn’t at all, we should move on with life because it’s happening constantly until it doesn’t anymore. Stop dwelling and find love that is real and when things go wrong just remember that life is going to end sometime and you have to do whatever it is you can to be happy while you still have a heart beat.

Enough is enough.

I miss you. I miss him. I miss how it used to feel. I don’t know you, but I love you. I wish I had never trusted you. I hate you. You mean everything to me. You were the best thing in my life and now you’re gone. You hurt me more than I can explain. I’m glad I didn’t fall in love with you. I miss you. I’m sorry.

Thoughts.

Having a gay boyfriend sounds like a decent opportunity at this point. He would most likely be interested in the same things as me, would constantly compliment me and things would never be serious. I sound selfish, but it’s just an idea.

Love like this.

I will never understand how someone can go from being one of the most important people in your life to being another stranger that you feel you never connected with in the first place. How do we live with ourselves knowing we lose all of the love we used to have, how does love just go away the way it does? If it goes away, does that mean it was ever love or just something we hoped to be love someday? I’m not entirely sure, but I think love is love no matter how long it lasts. If you meet someone briefly I think you can love them because you can see how lovely they are and that you would never want anything bad to happen to them. No, you don’t have to go and tell them you love them and be in some kind of relationship with them, no. Well, but when you yourself know how you feel about them, then I think that’s love -- because it’s genuine.

I'm done.

So this is it, I’m done. I am done using you as my scratching post whenever I need a hit of male attention. I’m done with leading people on. I’m done with holding hands with people unless they really need it. I didn’t mean to upset you, that’s really the last thing I wanted. You and I both know we’re too damn independent to ever be together in a serious manner. I’ve seen the way you treat girls. You tell them pretty things and then you sleep with them. Once you get what you want, you are done with them the way I am done with pretending anything can ever come from all of this. I’ve always held you in a high regard in my life, but this one nagging inside of me will never trust you. How can I ever fall for you when I can’t even trust you? It’s impossible. Love and trust come hand in hand with me. It’s all or nothing. That cannot happen. I am too emotionally cut-off from all things and I am way too bitter/upset to get involved with anyone at the moment. I need to be selfish and I need to fix myself without looking for someone else to do it for me. I need to clear my head and I need to repair my heart. You asked me why I am so afraid of you. You really want to know why? Because you claim not to be like every other guy I’ve dated, but guess what -- they said the exact-same-thing. You can make a million promises, I’ve heard them all before. I’ve heard, “you can trust me” and “I won’t hurt you”. I’ve heard “I am in love with you”, “You mean everything to me”, and “I never want to lose you”. Every single one of those promises was ripped up and thrown away by the boys who claimed to love me. And you seriously wonder why I can’t do anything for you? Remember, I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t proven their loyalty to me. I am guarded because I’ve been hurt. I let my guard down now and then, but it’s staying up for now. Sorry.

A letter.

You are beautiful on the inside and out. I wish you would stop saying that you weren’t. Guys certainly aren’t staring at me when we’re out together. You’re the whole package. You’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re absolutely gorgeous. I would’ve told this to you in person, as I have so many times before, but you never listen. I promise it’s true. If you open yourself up to someone, a guy, it’s scary and a risk but it’s so worth it when it works out. I just want you to be happy. You deserve so much more than you’ve got. I love you.


This could easily be a letter between my best friend and I.

Obsession.

Could I be more in love with him?

The only question I have is WHYYYYYY in the world am I not married to Alex Pettyfer? Really, now. *punch self*

Be mine?

All I ever want is to show you how much I love you. I want to take your hand in my hand. I want to show you the places I go so I can think and the movies I watch. I want to show you all of the things I’ve written. I want to show you how beautiful certain people are and just how great it is to be a weird little mess. I want to show you that it’s okay not to believe and it’s okay not to be afraid to die. I want to show you how to breathe slowly and feel your own heartbeat. I want to show you that I’m not like everyone else you meet, that I’m not worried about what they worry about. I want to show you just how thrilling it is to jump off of high surfaces and run with your eyes closed tight. I want to show you that it’s lovely walking in the rain, letting rain drops run over your exposed skin and feel them drip off the tip of your nose. I want to show you how much I love people and no matter how worked up I get, I've come to realized that I am so insignificant. I want to show you what it’s like to run wild and laugh your ass off in public. I want to show you how people look at me and how they talk to me. I want to show you how I move day to day and the things I wear. I want to show you my face, without makeup. I want to show you my life, but..


I have no idea who you are.

Hello beautiful boy.

Look at his chest, look at his mouth.
OH MY, I DIE!!! *gasp*

It's beyond me.

This idea, the idea that things change constantly. I can’t grasp the concept of how much you’ve grown and how long it’s been since I’ve seen you. We had no choice, we were torn apart. I miss you and I’ll always love you.

Two fucks.

I’ve learned to keep calm in situations that call for some sort of reaction. It takes a lot to actually surprise me anymore. I’ve seen so much, I’ve seen people I trust do really ugly things. I’ve had friends sleep with friends and not care enough to tell me. I’ve been fucked over by boys who promise me that they love me, that they need me, that they cannot be without me. They fell out of love, they don’t need me and they live just fine without me. I’ve had best friends choose other people over me. It’s not right. You fuck up and I sit by and watch you make an ass of yourself. Go on, go ahead.

Uncomfortable.

It would be easy for me to let go now at a loss for everything. If I said I really tried -- I’d be lying, as I often do. The thought of sunlight and warm days seems desirable, but I always find it harsh, unwelcoming. When night is where I feel at ease, in solitude, among my thoughts.

You don’t know the first thing about me,
I won’t let you.

The heart.

Well my heart, works in such strange ways. I’ve had my heart beat to a pulp yet I still want to find real love out there somewhere. I’m still a believer after being taken advantage of and not appreciated. I want something real and passionate but I also want to be able to run free. My heart is too wild to be tamed at this moment. It’s everywhere at once. I’m capable of loving someone and being loved but when will my heart settle down? Will it ever? I want to talk and flirt and kiss but I’m not so sure about the seriousness. I don’t want someone to fall in love with me when I’m not ready to love back. I want someone as wild as I am right now. Someone who will just understand and not immediately need love from me. Someone who is fine with just being my friend right now. Someone who understands that I’m too wild for my own good.

How did you find the exact words I needed?