I'm done.

So this is it, I’m done. I am done using you as my scratching post whenever I need a hit of male attention. I’m done with leading people on. I’m done with holding hands with people unless they really need it. I didn’t mean to upset you, that’s really the last thing I wanted. You and I both know we’re too damn independent to ever be together in a serious manner. I’ve seen the way you treat girls. You tell them pretty things and then you sleep with them. Once you get what you want, you are done with them the way I am done with pretending anything can ever come from all of this. I’ve always held you in a high regard in my life, but this one nagging inside of me will never trust you. How can I ever fall for you when I can’t even trust you? It’s impossible. Love and trust come hand in hand with me. It’s all or nothing. That cannot happen. I am too emotionally cut-off from all things and I am way too bitter/upset to get involved with anyone at the moment. I need to be selfish and I need to fix myself without looking for someone else to do it for me. I need to clear my head and I need to repair my heart. You asked me why I am so afraid of you. You really want to know why? Because you claim not to be like every other guy I’ve dated, but guess what -- they said the exact-same-thing. You can make a million promises, I’ve heard them all before. I’ve heard, “you can trust me” and “I won’t hurt you”. I’ve heard “I am in love with you”, “You mean everything to me”, and “I never want to lose you”. Every single one of those promises was ripped up and thrown away by the boys who claimed to love me. And you seriously wonder why I can’t do anything for you? Remember, I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t proven their loyalty to me. I am guarded because I’ve been hurt. I let my guard down now and then, but it’s staying up for now. Sorry.