I need to stop running.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Our kind, the free spirits and the wild ones, we love to be free.

We want to go where we want, when we want and not have to answer to anyone. The second someone tries to get serious, we drift into the background and run away. We run so fast because we know it’s not for us, this serious business. Some of the wild ones are terrified to be trapped in some cage, being loved too much. I know that no matter how hard I run from what I do not want, a small part of me wants to be tamed. I know that the second the right guy comes along I will not try to escape how I feel. The wild ones, they long to be tamed. We will never admit it, but sometimes we get tired from running, we need somewhere to catch our breath. We want to find a safe haven and a warm place to sleep at night. We run because we are wild, but it is impossible to run forever. We have to find our forever in order to stop running.

To let go or to still linger on.

Having a new love interest always forces me to look back on past love. Why? It’s like I enjoy torturing myself or something. I can’t help but remember how much it hurts giving my heart away so many times to my first love. It hurts like hell, it’s one of those emotions you can literally feel pull at your heart. I know that sounds dramatic, but hell it was dramatic. I have never been so fucking desperate or lovesick in my life. I look back on all of it now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. How did I ever trust him with my vulnerability, not to mention my innocence? How is it that I poured my heart out and told him every single secret I had at the time? I am almost disgusted looking at who he is now and I still cannot figure out how I ever loved him. But I did. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is terrible, really. I stopped loving myself and I made a promise after he broke up with me (for the 2nd and final time) that I would no longer make exceptions and would put myself first because I deserve to be adored. I’m a lovely girl and I deserve to be treated as such, thank you. My genuine confessions are now locked away and I’m almost too tired to share them all again. I’m exhausted and I have zero expectations from anyone, especially someone trying to win me over. I know I sound cynical, but let me be completely honest -- I get excited when I see I have a new text from him and I laugh all the time when I’m with him and holy shit I even miss him sometimes. I’m a crazy girl who has a silly crush on a boy she hopes could fall in love with her. I feel as if I am tearing myself into two pieces, and the hopeless romantic.

I don’t want titles, I want real.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I want a relationship. I’m sure I am not the only one, but it seems as if the women around me are either in relationships, or just have a boyfriend. It’s hard to tell anymore. With the constant fighting and breaking up, it’s hard to know what you really have until you lose it. When you are in a relationship, and you break up, you are a different person for a while. You don’t want to date, you want to be alone. Or, you just need a quick fix. (Which is never a good idea.)

When you have just a boyfriend, you move on to another. You don’t let yourself breathe because you don’t get the concept of being in a relationship because you never had one. It’s just a boy with a title. You let him sleep over, and take you out on dates. But do you really appreciate him like some other girl probably would? Girls just have boyfriends to have boyfriends. It’s becoming no longer about romance and being together. Everything is selfish.

And then there is the lady who refuses to have someone that loves her. She can make all the excuses in the world. Please, spare me. You’re too insecure to find someone who actually cares for you. You aren’t ready for rejection, so you sleep around and don’t leave any traces. Insecurities can be beautiful, but they can also break a person if you don’t even treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

Tell me.

I'm overly not over you. I've accepted the fact that what happened in the past is truly in the past. It doesn't hurt anymore when you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her. So, why can't I stop feeling this way?

Scared to death.

I don't know how I'm going to take hearing you have a girlfriend. I'm really really scared. :((

Rot in death.

I saw you with another girl that night. That was the first time in my life that I felt okay about death.

Sorry.

I apologize for not being pretty enough.

Heartache.

I can hear my heart breaking in the chest.

It was a day before our anniversary. When you told me you didn’t love me anymore. At all. Not even a single bit. Nothing.

How could you put me through so much pain. Pull my heart out right out of my chest and then just crush it right in front of me? Why couldn’t you try? Why did you convince me to fall in the first place. You knew I was insecure. I was beaten. I was drained. And yet I gave it to you. My all, my everything. And then you tell me a day before our anniversary, after a relationship of 1 year and plus, after something so undeniably perfect, that you don’t feel a single thing when you talk to me.

Why can’t I just be strong. I’ve fallen again. God help me.

You pushed me away like I was never anything to you.

I can hear it. I can hear every tick and rip in my chest right now.

I don’t want this kind of love anymore.

Figure it out.

I love and care about you unconditionally, no matter what you do, how much you fuck up, what you look like, what you say, in every way possible.


Now, find someone who’s gonna say and mean exactly what I just said. And show the person to me. And I'd back off.

Wishes.

I wish I was more confident.
I wish I was pretty like the other girls.
I wish people wouldn’t look down on me because of my major.
I wish I could accept myself for who I am,
or just be happier.
I only wish when i feel like I have nothing else left.

A complete idiot.

You broke my heart. I loved you and you broke my heart. So tell me why I still let you in my life, pretend that we are just friends, act like nothings wrong, like you never hurt me so badly that I cried for days. Tell me why I do this to myself. Oh that's right. Cause I'm an idiot.

One day.

I still miss you. I can't believe it. After everything we've been through. After the countless times you've hurt me. I just can't wait for the day when I can say that I no longer miss you because it just hurts to remember everything great that happened between us because all the bad just seems to lessen the happy moments we've had. I miss you but I'm done fighting for you. I believed you were worth the fight but I can't wait forever.