To let go or to still linger on.

Having a new love interest always forces me to look back on past love. Why? It’s like I enjoy torturing myself or something. I can’t help but remember how much it hurts giving my heart away so many times to my first love. It hurts like hell, it’s one of those emotions you can literally feel pull at your heart. I know that sounds dramatic, but hell it was dramatic. I have never been so fucking desperate or lovesick in my life. I look back on all of it now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. How did I ever trust him with my vulnerability, not to mention my innocence? How is it that I poured my heart out and told him every single secret I had at the time? I am almost disgusted looking at who he is now and I still cannot figure out how I ever loved him. But I did. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is terrible, really. I stopped loving myself and I made a promise after he broke up with me (for the 2nd and final time) that I would no longer make exceptions and would put myself first because I deserve to be adored. I’m a lovely girl and I deserve to be treated as such, thank you. My genuine confessions are now locked away and I’m almost too tired to share them all again. I’m exhausted and I have zero expectations from anyone, especially someone trying to win me over. I know I sound cynical, but let me be completely honest -- I get excited when I see I have a new text from him and I laugh all the time when I’m with him and holy shit I even miss him sometimes. I’m a crazy girl who has a silly crush on a boy she hopes could fall in love with her. I feel as if I am tearing myself into two pieces, and the hopeless romantic.