I'm beat.

I need to stop running.

2009-11-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Our kind, the free spirits and the wild ones, we love to be free.

We want to go where we want, when we want and not have to answer to anyone. The second someone tries to get serious, we drift into the background and run away. We run so fast because we know it’s not for us, this serious business. Some of the wild ones are terrified to be trapped in some cage, being loved too much. I know that no matter how hard I run from what I do not want, a small part of me wants to be tamed. I know that the second the right guy comes along I will not try to escape how I feel. The wild ones, they long to be tamed. We will never admit it, but sometimes we get tired from running, we need somewhere to catch our breath. We want to find a safe haven and a warm place to sleep at night. We run because we are wild, but it is impossible to run forever. We have to find our forever in order to stop running.

To let go or to still linger on.

2009-11-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

Having a new love interest always forces me to look back on past love. Why? It’s like I enjoy torturing myself or something. I can’t help but remember how much it hurts giving my heart away so many times to my first love. It hurts like hell, it’s one of those emotions you can literally feel pull at your heart. I know that sounds dramatic, but hell it was dramatic. I have never been so fucking desperate or lovesick in my life. I look back on all of it now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. How did I ever trust him with my vulnerability, not to mention my innocence? How is it that I poured my heart out and told him every single secret I had at the time? I am almost disgusted looking at who he is now and I still cannot figure out how I ever loved him. But I did. I loved him more than I loved myself, which is terrible, really. I stopped loving myself and I made a promise after he broke up with me (for the 2nd and final time) that I would no longer make exceptions and would put myself first because I deserve to be adored. I’m a lovely girl and I deserve to be treated as such, thank you. My genuine confessions are now locked away and I’m almost too tired to share them all again. I’m exhausted and I have zero expectations from anyone, especially someone trying to win me over. I know I sound cynical, but let me be completely honest -- I get excited when I see I have a new text from him and I laugh all the time when I’m with him and holy shit I even miss him sometimes. I’m a crazy girl who has a silly crush on a boy she hopes could fall in love with her. I feel as if I am tearing myself into two pieces, and the hopeless romantic.

I don’t want titles, I want real.

2009-11-25T17:14:00.001-08:00

I don’t want a boyfriend. I want a relationship. I’m sure I am not the only one, but it seems as if the women around me are either in relationships, or just have a boyfriend. It’s hard to tell anymore. With the constant fighting and breaking up, it’s hard to know what you really have until you lose it. When you are in a relationship, and you break up, you are a different person for a while. You don’t want to date, you want to be alone. Or, you just need a quick fix. (Which is never a good idea.)

When you have just a boyfriend, you move on to another. You don’t let yourself breathe because you don’t get the concept of being in a relationship because you never had one. It’s just a boy with a title. You let him sleep over, and take you out on dates. But do you really appreciate him like some other girl probably would? Girls just have boyfriends to have boyfriends. It’s becoming no longer about romance and being together. Everything is selfish.

And then there is the lady who refuses to have someone that loves her. She can make all the excuses in the world. Please, spare me. You’re too insecure to find someone who actually cares for you. You aren’t ready for rejection, so you sleep around and don’t leave any traces. Insecurities can be beautiful, but they can also break a person if you don’t even treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

Tell me.

2009-11-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

I'm overly not over you. I've accepted the fact that what happened in the past is truly in the past. It doesn't hurt anymore when you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her. So, why can't I stop feeling this way?

Scared to death.

2009-11-13T13:13:00.001-08:00

I don't know how I'm going to take hearing you have a girlfriend. I'm really really scared. :((

Rot in death.

2009-11-13T13:12:00.001-08:00

I saw you with another girl that night. That was the first time in my life that I felt okay about death.

Sorry.

2009-11-13T13:11:00.001-08:00

I apologize for not being pretty enough.

Heartache.

2009-11-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

I can hear my heart breaking in the chest.

It was a day before our anniversary. When you told me you didn’t love me anymore. At all. Not even a single bit. Nothing.

How could you put me through so much pain. Pull my heart out right out of my chest and then just crush it right in front of me? Why couldn’t you try? Why did you convince me to fall in the first place. You knew I was insecure. I was beaten. I was drained. And yet I gave it to you. My all, my everything. And then you tell me a day before our anniversary, after a relationship of 1 year and plus, after something so undeniably perfect, that you don’t feel a single thing when you talk to me.

Why can’t I just be strong. I’ve fallen again. God help me.

You pushed me away like I was never anything to you.

I can hear it. I can hear every tick and rip in my chest right now.

I don’t want this kind of love anymore.

Figure it out.

2009-11-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

I love and care about you unconditionally, no matter what you do, how much you fuck up, what you look like, what you say, in every way possible.

Now, find someone who’s gonna say and mean exactly what I just said. And show the person to me. And I'd back off.

Wishes.

2009-11-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I was more confident.
I wish I was pretty like the other girls.
I wish people wouldn’t look down on me because of my major.
I wish I could accept myself for who I am,
or just be happier.
I only wish when i feel like I have nothing else left.

A complete idiot.

2009-11-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

You broke my heart. I loved you and you broke my heart. So tell me why I still let you in my life, pretend that we are just friends, act like nothings wrong, like you never hurt me so badly that I cried for days. Tell me why I do this to myself. Oh that's right. Cause I'm an idiot.

One day.

2009-11-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

I still miss you. I can't believe it. After everything we've been through. After the countless times you've hurt me. I just can't wait for the day when I can say that I no longer miss you because it just hurts to remember everything great that happened between us because all the bad just seems to lessen the happy moments we've had. I miss you but I'm done fighting for you. I believed you were worth the fight but I can't wait forever.

You're not for me, never.

2009-10-31T09:42:00.001-07:00

I really do like you, and I'm not totally sure what it is but I do. You will never return that feeling, and no matter how hard I try I am always able to convince myself that there might be something in the way you look at me. I know I'm only getting my hopes up.

I suck so bad.

2009-10-31T09:40:00.001-07:00

I hate the fact that I always assume a guy likes me when he does something nice.

Worth the wait.

2009-10-31T09:39:00.001-07:00

I hope a guy never treats me like shit again. I'm tired of being stupid and played with. Just when I think a guy is seriously interested, the next day he acts like he isn't. It may mean nothing but if fucking hurts to not be taken seriously. But I know one day there will be a guy who will prove to me that he isn't like the rest. And I will wait. And it will be worth waiting for.

Wishing and hoping.

2009-10-31T09:35:00.001-07:00

I wish you would hold me and tell me all of the things you like about me, even if I know they're lies. I just want to feel like someone cares about me. I feel so alone. *sad face*

I do stalk.

2009-10-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

I never met him. But I fell in love with him. Today, I found out he was in love with someone -- I fell apart. And now I can't put myself back together anymore. I am broken into pieces, and he doesn't even know. I wanna lock myself in a drawer and rot in death. :((

I need a break.

2009-10-31T09:30:00.001-07:00

I really really really really really really like you. You have no idea.

For once (?)

2009-10-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

Once, just once, I want to make a guy's heart race with love and excitement for me.

How pathetic.

2009-10-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

I love how my best friend says that she misses me "so fucking much" but she doesn't even make an attempt to contact me.

Silly me.

2009-10-31T09:23:00.001-07:00

I'm terrified that no one will ever love me.

Lonely.

2009-10-31T09:22:00.001-07:00

I hate being alone all the time. I wish I hadn't pushed everyone away. I just want one person that's not an asshole.

Move on and forget.

2009-10-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

I told my ladies I don't care about you anymore.That's rubbish cause the fact is I care so much. I just say it so then maybe I can fool myself. Maybe then it won't hurt so much that your with her. Maybe then I can move on and forget. Maybe, just maybe.
I hope you're happy with your "F" girl. :')

Honestly.

2009-10-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I’m going to be honest. I’m not doing too well right now. I’m pissed and I’m hurt and I just want to feel like I’m home again. I’m miserable and that feeling you get just before you cry is constantly at the back of my throat. I don’t know what I need, but I’d like some help.

Dear Adila,

2009-10-25T13:31:00.001-07:00

Don’t be sad anymore. As hard as life may be right now, I know you’ll pull through. You’re special and the universe is going to reward you soon for being so strong even though you may feel weak. If you need to talk, I’m here. Love you, cousin ♥

Best of luck.

2009-10-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

I hope you have fun, and I know you will, until you realize she’s not me. She can never be me, no matter how hard you imagine. Its going to eat you up inside, I know. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but that's what happens when you let great things go. Good luck with everything you do because you’ll need it. Me? Oh, I’ll be fine. Why? Because I’ve finally got it all figured out.

Get free? I am free. I feel so alive! :)

Don't give up so easily.

2009-10-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

Don’t run away. Don’t think everything will change in another place. Don’t make yourself so sick anymore. Stop trying to make everything okay. We go through these rough patches for a reason. Maybe this is a long one, but soon it will be over and the sun will shine brighter than it ever has. Just keep fighting and pushing for happiness. You don’t need a boy, you don’t need a thousand friends, you don’t need to be accepted. You just need to love yourself, which is easier than you may think. Just keep fighting, goddamnit.

Wow. I think I just wrote a letter to myself without even knowing.

A little personal.

2009-10-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

I hate everything about you, every fiber of your being, every word you speak. Especially all the words you’ve ever said to me. I want to rid you from my life and forget your face. It's so easy until I hear a song that reminds me of you or see your face somewhere unexpected. I just wanted to grab you and kiss you today and then right after, kick you in the balls and leave for good. You’re not that great and I don’t need you at all, but I want you and that's the worst part. I can still feel your fingertips on my collar bones. That kills me.

Beat that.

2009-10-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

I guess I forgot that you’re ugly, have no personality, try too hard to be someone you’re not, don’t know how to treat human beings and you’re just a scared little boy. I need stability -- something you’re unfamiliar with. Two fucks goes to you. They say karma is a bitch, well have they met me? Hahahaha LOL.

I guess.

2009-10-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

When it comes down to it everyone has to be alone sometimes. Alone in a place, alone in a state of mind, alone in situation or even alone in caring about someone. But its not always a bad thing. Sometimes you just need to be alone, as scary as it sounds.

I am so tired of everything.

2009-10-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have such a big heart and no one ever recognizes it. Yeahs, I am a bitch a lot of the time but its only because everyone treats me like dirt. I do so much shit for everyone and it always goes unnoticed because they’re just little things like being there when you’re sad or bringing you somewhere so you can fix a fight you had with another friend. The second I ask for someone to get me a glass of water or pick up something I dropped I get bitched at, my secrets are never kept and I feel like I’m getting screwed over all the time. Sometimes I just can’t believe the things you people say and do. It hurts. It does.

I wish.

2009-10-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

You didn’t leave me. I wish I could have you for just a little while longer. There are so many things we didn’t get to talk about and go out and do. You never got to see me sing, which is what you wanted so badly and I’m sorry. There are just these days where I miss you so much its overwhelming because I try to be so strong every other day of the year. I don’t know how to do this without you, but I’m trying so hard. I look so hideous here, oh God I look hideous, but you look so happy. You were always so happy. I love you and miss you. Sorry for the depressing post, Blogspot. It just kind of needed to be said.

R.I.P. Adam Zainal. *hugs

That's the boy I knew.

2009-10-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

The awkward, smiling high -- who didn’t have a care in the world. The boy with a big heart who would laugh just to laugh, play just to play, love just because and had direction. I miss that smile, that awkwardness, that innocence. I know he still exists and I know what’s left of that heart still hurts sometimes. Too bad you ruined your chance at normality. I could’ve helped you.
I cared. I’ll always care, but you can’t call me anymore.

:)

I might be right.

2009-10-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

I might be wrong. Either way it's my life and I make decisions based on what I feel, not what anyone else want-- get over it and accept it. Life’s a roller-coaster and just way too damn short to be negative and hate all the time. I’m giving this one more chance. We’ll see what happens. who cares anyway? Shit happens and it's always for a reason.

Throughout my entire life.

2009-10-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have juggled friends 24/7. Some are there for you most of the time, some are there sometimes, some are hardly ever there at all. Friends come and go, they do, but the one person I know will always be there for me is my mom. It sounds so corny, but I would be a lost cause without her. She’s the one who will always be there and thank God for that. One day I’ll take care of her the way she’s taken care of me. :) Thanks, mama.

I still cry everytime.

2009-10-25T06:18:00.001-07:00

I read that message from you. Its been 3 years, but it still hurts.

Already gone.

2009-10-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe you actually think there’s a chance things will ever be okay again. I hate you and apologizing for something you don’t actually regret is never going to change that. Yeahs, I hate you. Does it hurt yet? Because it should and if it doesn’t that only proves me correct that you are incredibly cold-hearted. Oh and your lack of intelligence when it comes to correct grammar is hilarious. End of discussion, boy. Full stop.

How could I have doubted myself (?)

2009-10-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

How could I give up so easily? How could I have thought it was okay? How could I have been convinced I would never make it? How could I stand believing it was all over? I don’t care if my family, friends or enemies think I’m just dreaming big and unrealistically. Your opinions mean nothing. This is my life, this is what I adore and this is what I’m going to do. Fuck the rest. I found what I love and now I’m sort of running with it.

On the other side.

2009-10-25T05:45:00.001-07:00

I’ve never felt so lonely or lost in my life. Maybe its the thought of growing up? Or being alone? Either way -- it’s terrible.

Opinion.

2009-10-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

Some people that I know are slowly changing. Some people who I once thought were really great, really don’t seem so great to me anymore. Eh, that’s life.

Past.

2009-10-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

There’s some people from my past I haven’t talked to in awhile and i really miss. I mean they were a part of my life at one time so they still are in my heart somewhere.

I miss Arwah Nenek, both side.

I miss my first two best friends.

I miss my first love.

I miss the guy I never gave a chance to.

I miss my younger self.

Romance.

2009-10-25T05:20:00.000-07:00

It’s one thing all of my relationships have lacked. It kind of makes me feel weird too. I mean is it bad that maybe one day,
I want a boy to get me a bouquet of flowers -- I want it to be white roses? Or maybe be blind-folded and have a surprise dinner waiting for me (never happened) or any surprises ever.
I mean do men still do this? Do I just suck?

Shit happens.

2009-10-25T05:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a bad friend. I'm a sucker for happy endings. Enough said.

Random things that made me cry.

2009-10-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

* When he says he’s going to call, but doesn’t. And it hasn’t been the first time. It’s been too many times. You can’t even count anymore.
* When you get into a fight with your best friend. She used the wrong words, and you said too much. You can’t just take it back, because nothing is ever that easy.
* When he calls you an idiot, bitch, or a slut. Even though you know you are none of those things. The way he says it makes you believe him.
* When someone tells you aren’t just wrong, but you’ll never be right. You’re discouraged enough to give up everything because there is no use in trying.
* When they go out of their way to make it seem like you are the only one who has ever made a mistake. As if they are an angel sent from heaven, and you’re the scum of Earth.
* After you get in a fight with a complete stranger. You have no sense of control and you are at a loss of words.
* When anything that comes out of your mother’s mouth hurts ten times more than it would if any other person had said it.
* That one song then just gets to you. You have no reason why, but you are going to bawl every time it comes up.
* When someone catches you in the act. Fucking, stealing, lying, and even crying. You cry more when people catch you crying.
* Paper cuts. Anything that doesn’t matter but it seems like it hurts more than anything else. Such as, seeing your ex-boyfriend with your best friend.

I’m sure there’s more. I’m too tired.

Dirty little secret.

2009-10-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

I’m the girl that claims to be way too independent to ever take anything or anyone too seriously. Falling for someone gets me every time. It’s like I’m wearing 7 inch heels and you all should be told that I have the legs of an elephant. I am stumbling and losing my head. Oh, the messes I make.

Sit on your roof.

2009-10-24T02:07:00.000-07:00

It flickers once. It’s 3:42 am and you just realized that even though your family loves you, the only thing you need is someone to care for, some to love.

So you sit on your roof, watching the light. You might smoke a cigarette or two, but you don’t really need them. You watch the tree near the street light sway in the wind, scared of life.

You might have had a girl/boy in your life once, but it soured and went wrong. It might have been your fault, but odds are that it wasn’t. Odds are is that she/he dumped you, because being with you made her/him depressed. Then you realized that you just lost a great chance to change your life around.

So you sit outside on your roof.
You watch the street light across the street.
You might shed a tear or two, but this isn’t a physical sadness that can be purged.

This is a soul-crushing kind of sadness. And you are scared and alone, and all you want is someone to look at you and say:

“Everything will be okay. Come with me.”

Instead, you sit on your roof.
You watch the street light.
And you die inside.

I should come with a warning label.

2009-10-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

Warning! I’m a shitty friend who takes everything to heart. When you treat me like shit I go home and cry because it makes me feel so worthless.

Dear Future Valentine.

2009-10-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

(Hoping one day I have one) I don’t want roses or chocolate or dinner at a five-star restaurant, I want to dress up just to go to our favorite spot. We can dance and laugh and sing our favorite songs. I’d love a homemade card and I’ll make you a wonderful mix-cd and give you a kiss on the forehead and cheeks.

I'll be fine.

2009-10-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

I could easily say that my world would crash and my heart would break beyond repair, if we don’t become something of an item. I love you and you probably don’t love me all that much, but I just want you to want me, to need me, even just for a little bit. I want to be your one. But you know what, if we don’t become an item of sorts, my world will not crash and my heart will not break. I’ve lived my whole life without you anyway. I am fine at the moment without you, so why should you liking another girl make any difference? I will be fine no matter what happens, of course. What I’m really trying to say is, I love you a lot, but at the moment you disappoint me often, when I expect things from you and you fail to meet the standards and you are completely unreliable. Despite this, I still manage to go weak at the knees and my brain turns to static when you’re around. I just want you. That’s it. You don’t have to be one of those romantic boyfriends who buy silver jewelery and a dozen white roses. All I want from you is for you to open up to me. To allow me to be close to you. I want us to share everything, to be each others soul mates. That’s all.

I will be fine without you, but I would really rather be amazing with you. We could be amazing.

I thought I would never get over you.

2009-10-22T03:58:00.001-07:00

I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized that I hadn’t thought about you in awhile. It used to hurt so badly when I thought about you, but now I don’t feel anything. I realized that, surprisingly, I’m so much happier without you. I know it sounds dumb, but thank you. Thank you for hurting me, for breaking me, for leaving me. You helped me realize how strong I am and how I don’t need you to make me who I am.

Waiting.

2009-10-22T03:55:00.000-07:00

You said you needed time to see if you could find it in yourself to work on our problems together. Well dude, we’ve been broken up for about 2 years and 5 months -- now I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this indeed has been a long time. I hope you don’t expect me to still be waiting on you or even to still be holding on to thoughts of maybe someday in the future being with you again because honestly, I might still care about you but I could not forget all this waiting bullshit you put me through. Of course I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done to you as well but that doesn’t necessarily mean you had to get even, I thought it was all about being the bigger man in certain situations. I guess not. It was fun while it lasted, I suppose you can say it was both our fault. The only difference with that is, I’m willing to admit it and you my friend, you cannot.

Searching.

2009-10-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

The name is Lepp. :) Cho kiut kans?

It sucks that I couldn't find any bowl to place my fishies. How sad. Awbhuhuhu. >:( Tryna search every place and spot in my house, but still, I failed. I know, I suck so bad. At times I do. I'm tired. I gave up. I need some rest. So, I place them inside my room. I almost cried. No joke. I am sensitive like that. Sheesh. I went online, and upload pictures of my fishies. Heheh. :3 Dian, Razin and I -- we planned to go lepak, as usual. They come and fetch me somewhere around 10+, if I'm not mistaken. I feel so guilty. Leave my fishies like that. But, alhamdulillah, Abah gave me such a brilliant idea -- he asked me to go check out Cik Deko's place. So yeahs, I did. Heheh YAYS, finally. I saw this cute little tank in pink. Sadly, there's no purple. But it's okay. Heheh. I bought the fish tank, and it cost only RM5, so cheap kans?

Alhamdulillah. :)

So happy together.

My favorite picture, nice shot. :3

No, I am not trying to promote my desktop. Hahah.

Swimming happily.

I know, the food is like everywhere.
Don't blame me. >:( Boo!

Hmm, tryna fight?

My fishies in a pink tank. :')

Welcome to my life.

2009-10-21T06:22:00.001-07:00

Betta Fish. :3

Baby Guppy.

Lefty: Lepp.
Righty: Freida and Fermin.

Flake food and anti-chlorine.

Fish net.

The accessories.

All together -- Tadaaaaa. :)

I know I know, you people are like so jealous right now for seeing this post of mine, kans? Hahah LOL. I just bought fishies. 3 of 'em to be exact. I love fishies -- they're so cute and I feel like fry 'em all and eat and eat and eat and eat again. Yum yum. :3 I kenots wait to breed 'em all, Imma gonna be a mummy, sexayyh mummy to be exact. :p

You said you didn't like him.

2009-10-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

You said he is snobbish and arrogant. You said you have no connection with him. You said you would never bother to be with him. You said you didn’t care about him. You said all these things that made me so sure you wouldn’t be anywhere near him.

And now I find out you made out with him on a date?

Trust issues.

2009-10-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

I trusted you more than I should have let myself. A part of me still does. You were everything I needed and everything I needed to stay away from. You were perfect through your own imperfections. I saw a side of you that most people couldn’t. You say you didn’t, but I think you meant to show it to me. You felt something, the same thing that I did. Though you’d never admit it. I loved you in a strange and unconventional way. Everyone told me no, that I was dumb, wrong, just looking for heartbreak. But I continued on. Maybe not all the time, we’d take breaks and things would go back to normal, or so it seemed. But then every time we were together again I’d feel it. It was a caged bird -- so beautiful but with wings that had nowhere to fly. No space to grow. That was us. We both knew it would not go anywhere, though my hopes were always high. It was something that you just didn’t seem to want at the time. I wanted you to want it more than anything in this world. It could have been a gorgeous thing, what we would have had. I guess it’s now just memories for me. Fond ones that I look back on and see how much I learned and grew. Is it the same for you?

Letter of reasons.

2009-10-20T12:09:00.002-07:00

Him: I don't remember what I did to you.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: All I know is, you are done, finish and gone.

I don't know, I guess I was so sick of everything and I know I said “I can’t do this anymore” but now that I’ve put the past behind. I think it’s okay, I think I can handle us being friends again. But it still kinda shock me how you pretended like I never mattered to you, because that’s so not true. But then we both agreed friends is okay, but I know for a fact that things will never be like how it used to.

You said “I still love you”. I’m sure you do, or did, or whatever. But even now we’re friends, it’s not the same. Before when we talk, I actually felt connected or something, but now it’s nothing. I still want to know what’s going on in your life. But when we talk, I don’t get the same feeling anymore. I don't get you. I don't get me. I just don't know.

I want this to be over.

2009-10-20T12:09:00.001-07:00

I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know why I still want you, or why I bother crying over you. You’re as useless as the words you say.

A friend.

2009-10-20T12:07:00.001-07:00

I just want a friend. Not someone to kiss, or cuddle, or hold me. I want someone to talk to. Someone to have multiple sleepovers in a row with. I need a best friend again.

Ever feel like running (?)

2009-10-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Running far away from everything and everyone you know. Running away from problems, bills, cars, school, college, money and etc, not turning around for anything? Just running. I feel like that 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I just want to run and I don’t want to stop running until I meet the end and finally become one again then I will slowly walk back to reality.

Not fair.

2009-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t bother me that you aren’t with me. What does bother me is, eventually you’ll be with someone who isn’t me.

In my dreams.

2009-10-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

You and I both know that in a few more months when you realize finding someone isn’t as easy as you thought it would be, you will be knocking on my door trying to explain and apologize for your stupidity. When you do, I plan on turning you down while laughing in your face and making you feel rotten for having me wait so long for you to come around. Most likely this won’t happen and I’ll accept almost immediately, resulting in you having the upper hand AGAIN and me feeling like a complete idiot.

You have no rights.

2009-10-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

You judge me and put me down. I took your words as false-absolute-truths. I wanted nothing more than to be there for you, not necessarily be your rescue but be a comforting space for you to have. I understand I’m not perfect. I understand that I’m stubborn and immature with my actions and words. I also understand that I have a lot to give as a person, as a companion, as an addition in your life. I’m going to try one more time. If you refuse, then I guess that’s it. I’ll be sitting here and figuring out. I want to keep telling myself “It’s his lost. It’s his lost”. But then I realize, this relationship was not about losing or winning. It was about being each other’s companion.

My heart just wanders.

2009-10-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself falling faster and faster every time I look into your brown eyes. But I’m scared. However, I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the way I tend to handle these emotions. This is the main reason I close myself off from those feelings. To give off the impression that I am stronger, that I am wiser, that I am better than that. But I am not.

I love the way you think, the way you smell, the way you look at me, touch me, hold me. Hold me for awhile -- I feel safe. I am weak for you, but you make me feel strong. Sometimes I forget that we are on the same level. I am learning just as much as you are learning. This mutual respect is what gets me every time. I am happy with you and that’s all that should matter right now. No future, no past -- just the present.

Because I care.

2009-10-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

I loved you at your lowest point. When you came to me in tears and absolutely broken. And I just wanted to put the pieces back together. But I didn’t realize that I’d be left picking up the pieces of my heart, too. No, I had no idea. :(

Thank you, Romeo and Juliet.

2009-10-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

I want to be one of those girls who don’t give much importance to having a love life. I want to feel okay with being alone. As much as I honestly enjoy my independence and the ability it gives me to choose my life course and know my true self and strengths as well as weaknesses. There are those irritating moments where my heart begins to worry. It brings this ridiculous fear, I should not be having at the age of 20. What has gotten me so rushed to not end up alone? To fear that who I date now could potentially be my future man and raise even more neurotic questions like can he deal with me? Will he leave me halfway through? Will we be bored of each other 15 years from now?

My cousin doesn't seem so bothered by such things. I envy that. The ability for her to never even have bothered with “boy hunting”. She never seems to even have a phase of “loneliness” while being single. And when she does have a boyfriend, she's not the slightest bit swept off her feet or googly-eyed by it. What is it that's got some woman so wrapped up in placing love as a priority? And why hasn’t this disease reached every girl?

Not fair.

My heart is crying.

2009-10-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

My hands are shaking,
My eyes are watering,
My lips are trembling,

Why why, oh why....

Why don’t you care anymore?

I write a poem about him, everyday.

2009-10-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

yet, I can never get the courage to finish them. i leave them without endings. hoping we will be without one too. :')

Taking risks with pessimist.

2009-10-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

I’m kind of excited for life to start all over again, so I can stop sitting around and writing about it, and start feeling it instead. For now, I feel like I am in a fishbowl. Everyone’s looking, but nobody’s talking.

I miss the old versions of you and me. You’re only as good as the company you keep, and when I’m all alone, I’m only as good as myself. It just doesn’t matter to me as long as you’re around, I guess. We're drifting apart and fading away, but I keep on tracing over memories to keep them fresh. We’re still here, all of us. Just in different locations.

Or maybe not. I’m not so sure anymore. I love you, and I miss you. But I get the feeling that you just wouldn’t get it. You just wouldn’t get me.

I’m still not done putting ”x”s in the boxes next to “mood swings” and “inconsistencies.” I’m always calling it quits, my hands are always shaking. I’m alright, alright, alright, but I’m waiting for everyone to fall asleep so me and the tick of the clock and the beat of my heart can be alone. When the large portion of the world is awake, I feel like there are too many complications to the wires connecting my heart and my brain.

I know this isn’t making a lot of sense, but sometimes feelings don’t read like instruction booklets. I’m not faking these smiles, they come naturally, but they have to share a bed with all the troubles my feeble head has worked up. “Sleeping With The Enemy,” or so it would seem.

Who is perfect (?)

2009-10-20T11:29:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I look at people and I doubt that they have never made a mistake in their lives. Well, not a serious one, at least. But then, when I look at myself in the mirror and think the same, it isn’t true. Don't mind me, I'm so lame.

I won't let them.

2009-10-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that you broke my heart and could care less.

But, I won’t let anyone say anything bad about you and I still vouch that you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever meet. Just so you know, I still back you up.

Letter to him.

2009-10-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

I thought this would be easy. Writing a letter to you, anonymously. Thing is, it really isn’t. I feel like I’ve worn out all the things I can say about you. I know it’s been quite a while since we’ve been together, but I still miss how everything was. I miss the way your lips felt on mine. I miss your touch, every time you pulled me into your arms. Most of all, I miss you. I wish you stayed true to me. Our two years, 5 months anniversary would’ve been coming up in a month.

-From her.

Answer me.

2009-10-20T10:43:00.001-07:00

Is it bad of me if I think at times you might like someone else but me. Answer me, please?

If only.

2009-10-20T10:42:00.001-07:00

You would look at me at the same way you look at her.

I'm okay, really.

2009-10-20T10:39:00.001-07:00

I’m slowly cutting myself off from every person in my life. And I’m okay with that.

Mark my words.

2009-10-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

You told me I should just accept that you’re in my life and I’m gonna be in yours regardless of how much we say we’re ‘broken up’ and we don’t belong to each other anymore. Well I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong. No, I don’t have to just accept it and I won’t. Yes, I have broken down a few times and called or messaged you to tell you I missed you but this does not necessarily mean it will always be this way, and you can quote me on that.

Fact

2009-10-19T16:28:00.001-07:00

No matter who you become, who you move on to, where you live, who you befriend, what you do, what you say -- please remember, I will always be here for you.

Questioning myself.

2009-10-19T16:26:00.001-07:00

I wonder what you’re going to think to yourself when you notice I’ve learned to live without you. I take it the tables will turn. And who knows, maybe it might hurt you, the way you hurt me.

My heart.

2009-10-19T16:24:00.001-07:00

My heart aches because I’m no longer with you. But I hope this pain never goes away because it makes me feel alive again.

I'm waiting for you to apologize.

2009-10-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

We never should have met. Then you could still be just as happy, actually happier. You’d be happier because you could go on raving about her and how awesome she is and you wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me, because I wouldn’t even exist. Kinda like how it already is, except I wouldn’t feel like crap.

I'll wait.

2009-10-19T16:19:00.001-07:00

I would’ve stood by you during your every ache. I wanted to wait until you’d reach out to me again. Instead, you pushed me away because I was your ache and for that you felt you couldn’t reach out to me ever again.

I’d still stand by you and I’ll still wait.

I'm not supposed to.

2009-10-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

How can I possibly feel this way? I was doing so fine. So so fine. I was happy, I moved on, I knew I was completely over you. You stopped flirting, I stopped caring. I forgave you for the past. We started talking again. A lot more than we ever used to. I was able to carry on a conversation with you. I became your friend again. I knew it was better this way. I got to know you more. The real you. Not the person hidden behind all those pretty words you used to give me. I talked to you about my new crush, you talked to me about yours. You started showing your true personality. I stopped liking him. I started liking you again. I had a feeling you started liking me again too. I wasn’t right. You didn’t stop liking her, not for one minute. I listened to all your stories about her. I realized you really like this girl. She started ignoring you. You became really sad. As bad as it made me feel, I still helped you through it. I gave you advice. You thanked me. I wanted to be more than friends again. I still want to be more than friends again. I never told you, I never will. I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’ll stop. Eventually.

Maybe, just maybe.

2009-10-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

I want to if you’re seeing someone new. I want to know if you’ve fallen in love. I want to know if in fact you have forgotten me. I want to hate you for all these things.

So maybe, just maybe, I can move on.

Sad case.

2009-10-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

It sucks when all you want to do is hold them but can’t because they don’t want to hold you. Wow, that's a sad case. Really.

I will turn.

2009-10-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

hate into love. How silly of me to let things get to me so much that I actually begin to hate what I feel like I can’t control. I will embrace it by prayer. My dear friend Atiqah made me realize this. Thank you! Sometimes admitting something you hope not very people will ever find out, turns out to be the most unexpected blessing.

One thing.

2009-10-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

There's this one thing, you should know.

It isn’t that you hurt me. Really. I don’t feel hurt, I don’t feel angry, I don't feel annoyed. I have conditioned myself to despise you -- no one has ever caused such sadness in me. But now it’s all gone. You are gone. It is all over.

Why is it so hard (?)

2009-10-19T04:17:00.000-07:00

I’m tired of people trying to make me feel bad about who I am or what I’ve chosen or how I feel. I can’t help who I am and what I desire, you have to just accept it and like it or move on. I’m not going to change or pretend to be something to make someone happy again, I’ve done that for too long already. I am myself. I feel like I do for a reason. I would much rather tell someone the truth about my feelings than act like something I’m not. I’ve tried that too many times, with two different people. If I’m not being honest how could someone ever expect a relationship to work? I am who I am for a reason. I’m not here to change to make someone happy or more at ease. It’s not being selfish. It’s standing up for the person I am and that letting someone walk all over you because of that is wrong. Life is too short for all these. Let me be me and I’ll let you be you.

I don't get it.

2009-10-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

Why do we all strive for everything we can’t have? Why do girls want the guy that doesn’t give a shit about them? Why do we feel like we’re worthless unless we can impress everyone in the room we’re in? Why do we have to have the newest thing, as soon as we see someone we have labeled as “cool” have it? Why do we care so much? We care so little about our actual selves, and too much about everyone else. Who gives a shit what someone thinks about you? Be your own person, not what will impress or make someone happy. Acting like a slut isn’t going to make him love you. Really, no joke. Buying that new thing isn’t going to give you that acceptance you crave. Accept yourself for God sakes. Love who you are, not what everyone wants you to be. Appreciate what you have and are given, not complain and want something better. Be happy that you are living and breathing. Don’t unbutton your blouse, don’t chase after something that doesn’t want to be caught, don’t feel like shit because someone has more material things than you, don’t hate yourself because everyone is paying attention to another girl -- it's immature. Grow up, people.

My dream.

2009-10-19T04:12:00.001-07:00

I still feel like I’m tangled up with you. I had a dream about you and it told me a lot. I walked out. I finally just left you in the cold. I had no reason to be talking to you and I realized you weren’t worth my time anymore. I’m glad I dreamed that, but if I feel this confident about these things why do I still go through times when I feel like I can’t breathe because of you? Like you’re still there, somewhere, keeping me from what I need. I hate it. I don’t understand it. I want away from this confused feeling of nothing. I want to be able to just walk away from it like I was able to walk away from you in my dream.

Just stop.

2009-10-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

Don’t tell me my decisions are a mistake. Don’t underestimate me and try to make me second guess myself. Don’t act like you’re more mature than me. Don’t build yourself up to make me feel small. Don’t try to take control of me. Don’t try to change my mind. Don’t try to intimidate me. Don’t try to hold onto something that never was. Don’t try to make me look bad. Don’t belittle my thoughts and feelings. Don’t tell me I’ll regret this. Don’t ever try to dismiss my final decisions. It won’t work, it never will, so stop.

Move on.

2009-10-19T04:07:00.000-07:00

It’s time for you to stop bothering me, stop trying to get a rise out of me, stop trying to get my attention, stop everything you are doing. Move on with your life like I have. Things will never go back to how they were and we will never be friends. I will not respond to you. I will not talk to you if I see you around. I will not be anything to you but a stranger passing by. No joke.

Pen and paper.

2009-10-19T04:06:00.001-07:00

You make me not want to write another poem. Because somehow, when I’m trying to erase you from my thoughts, you appear beneath my pen and on my paper. I can’t handle it.

I don't regret this.

2009-10-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

I don’t regret any of it. I look back and ask myself if I’d be satisfied if I could take it all back. All the pain, struggle, humiliation, foolishness, but I still wouldn’t be satisfied. So I wouldn’t take it back. Try to understand me when I say I’m not looking for something to live for. I’m more content than most people in the world. Not because I’m satisfied, but because I accept the-not-so-pretty aspects of my life. I know that anything that happens, is meant to happen. Anything that happens, is good. And all the pain, was unavoidable. So no, my dear, I don’t regret this. But no, my dear, I don’t miss you either.

These are the words I haven’t been able to write.

Looking back.

2009-10-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm looking back at the girl I was a year ago, there are so many things I wish I could’ve told her. She needed to know that she was worth more than he made her out to be. She wasn’t getting half of what she giving to someone and she was trying way too hard to make him happy. I would’ve told her to never let someone change you, regardless of how much they claim to love and care about you. I would’ve said to be confident in who you are, you are beautiful inside and out. You were never the bad person causing the problems or fights, ever. You were never a bad person at all. I wish I could’ve told her to notice the sad look on your best friends face when you talked to her, how she could easily see your hurting heart and how unhappy you were. She knew he was hurting you more than you did. I would tell her that people are going to stab you in the back and do things just to cause problems in your life and that they aren’t worth your tears or hate. But most of all, I would tell her to run. Run as fast and far away as possible because in order to be happy you need to be free.

Hate is a strong word.

2009-10-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

I hate you. There is no other word for it. I’ve never hated someone before, but you get to change that. You make me sick. I hope you feel a pit in your stomach every time you think of me, one that won’t go away for what seems like days. I want you to regret everything. Every single insignificant thing. But the thing that bothers me the most is that I know you probably don’t feel as much as I do. You don’t feel used and fooled. You don’t feel like you lost the best part of yourself. You don’t feel any of that and you know why? Because I never did those things to you. You caused all this and look who has to deal with it, I do. You’re not even worth my hate. You aren’t worth receiving any type of emotion from me. You aren’t worth anything at all to me.

I'm tired.

2009-10-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so angry and frustrated, it’s terrible.

I keep thinking of who to talk to, but I don't like ruining peoples days with my depressing shit of which is all I know what to talk about anymore. It’s what my days are filled with now, and its all I hear. Things that depress me even more.

I'm trying to meet new people that might be able to make my days better. I'm tired of having days where all I think about is the things that depress me.

I miss my ex boyfriend. I love him because he was there for me when we were together, but really, I don't know if he was. It’s complicated, and I don't really know what to do anymore. The best thing in the world right now would be to have a male as a close friend that doesn't want anything from me. Gay or not, I don't mind. I just know that sometimes males understand more than females. However, I can't really complain on the female friend department -- I have one good female friend. She's been there for me so far, but I also thought I had a best friend that was always there for me, though throughout time, she has proven me otherwise.

I just really want someone I can be real with, and wouldn’t mind spending a lot of time with me. (I'm not pointing fingers at anyone here) but I really just want someone who gets me and I can be really all of myself with. I'm tired of holding back parts of me and my personality.

This doesn't happen.

2009-10-19T03:44:00.000-07:00

So why does it happen to me?

I’m really sick of feeling like I do, and I don’t think that I could live without it. and I hate myself for it. I miss being comfortable.

Why do people stress out so much nowadays over such small shit?

Why is it that the people who know that they pissed you off always ask if they pissed you off? Obviously, you pissed me off.

Why is it that I can never rant when I’m happy, but yet when I’m mad, or depressed, I can go on for hours about shit?

When was it ever okay to be that fake? Why do people act like they’re always something different from everyone else. No matter if it’s less than or more than, it’s always something different. I wish that people could just realize that we are all god damn humans. So get your face out of your asshole.

I’m tired of people not being real with me, and I do know that in the past, I was the worst case of this, but heys, it’s called growing up.

I really wish that the people around me would have a little more faith in me, it really does put you down terribly when you hear some of the shit that I do.

I wish that people could be real, and at the beginning of every conversation, they would tell you what they expect from you at the end of everything that they say.

I wish that I had a lifetime supply of chrysanthemum tea and ice-cream.

I wish I didn’t fuck up.

Get it right.

2009-10-18T15:33:00.001-07:00

Do not call me “babe”, “sweetheart”, “baby”, “honey”, “doll”, “muffin” or anything of the sort. I have a name.

Use it.

Down to earth.

2009-10-18T15:31:00.001-07:00

I like for people to be extremely humble/modest. I don’t want you to know you’re good looking. I also don’t want you to know that you’re smart/funny/any other positive adjective. It sounds as if I only “like” people with no self-esteem. That’s really not the case. You’re allowed to know you’re good looking, just don’t let me know that you know you’re good looking.

I hope this makes a lot of sense.

Things changed.

2009-10-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

I want you to feel the way you felt about me months ago.

I don’t understand why it had to change.

You should deal with it.

2009-10-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

I hang up on people. A lot. I don’t really consider it to be rude,
I think you would really prefer that than what I actually have to say to you.